Healing and Hope: Returning to the NICU Five Years Later

When I took my daughter home after those 77 days in the NICU, I never imagined myself coming back.

I was so grateful to graduate from the NICU, yet simultaneously overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for her on my own. I didn’t have time to consider what lay ahead.

Little did I know, my journey didn’t end at the hospital doors. I had weeks, months, and years of new challenges (and opportunities) ahead. There were early intervention programs to navigate, doctor appointments to make, therapists to see, and milestones to reach.

On a personal level, I had emotional trauma to work through. My body needed to recover. I needed to learn how to set boundaries with friends and family. There were all kinds of obstacles for which I had no roadmap or instructions.

Through trial, error, and a whole lot of effort, I learned how to be a preemie mom. I did extensive research, had hours upon hours of phone calls, and curated a support team for her. Five years later, I’m proud to say that my daughter Jenna and I are in a great place. While I’m not sure if you can ever fully heal from a traumatic birth, I’ve never been more confident in our strength as mother and daughter.

The older Jenna got, the more important it felt to bring her back to the place where it all began. So, this year, we made it happen. After a couple of emails, I scheduled a visit, and I’m happy to report it was better than I could have imagined.

I am forever indebted to the incredible doctors, nurses, and staff who supported my family during the most challenging time of our lives. This experience completely reignited my “why” behind FLRRiSH, and I’m so excited to share it with you.

My Birth Story

*Jenna was admitted to the NICU in January of 2019.*

For those who don’t know my birth story, I’ll give you a quick recap.

I discovered I was pregnant in my forties after several failed IVF attempts. It was a complete surprise and a dream come true. I always knew I was meant to be a mother, and I was further delighted at the fact that I seemed to be having a “perfect” pregnancy. I barely gained any weight and didn’t experience nausea or any of the other typical pregnancy challenges.

Unfortunately, my illusion of the “perfect pregnancy” was just that–an illusion. Around the six-month mark, I experienced a “miraculous” twenty-pound weight gain in five days. I didn’t worry when my urine turned orange (a sign of too much protein in my system). But then my vision became blurry, and I started seeing spots.

My mom was in town and insisted we go to the doctor. I was diagnosed with a condition called HELLP Syndrome, a rare and deadly form of preeclampsia. As it turned out, my blood pressure was near stroke level, my liver was failing, and my kidneys were shutting down. Jenna had to be delivered immediately to save the both of us.

The first time I saw her was two days after she was born. (I didn’t get to meet her right away due to my medically fragile state.) She was so tiny, and I was terrified. She spent just under three months in the NICU. The NICU nurses and doctors were incredible from the beginning to the end. They were helpful, reassuring, and kind. Truly angels all around. While our journey was overwhelming and isolating at times, they made it more bearable.

What I Expected Going into This Visit

As you can see, my birth story was nothing short of traumatic. It’s taken us years to recover, regain our strength, and overcome the physical and emotional obstacles we’ve faced as a family.

If I’m being honest, I was pretty nervous in the days leading up to our visit. I wasn’t making a big deal about it to Jenna, of course, but in my own head, I was worried about reliving moments of my personal 10-day hospital stay and Jenna’s 77-day NICU stay.

There was one other time, about a year after Jenna was born, that I considered visiting the NICU. We weren’t able to because of COVID restrictions, and in hindsight, I’m thankful it didn’t work out. Not enough time had passed. I was still deep in the weeds of preemie motherhood, trying to figure everything out. For me, five years was enough time to feel like I had a better grasp on what I was doing as a parent and what Jenna and I could handle together.

Returning to the NICU

Finally, the day came. As we arrived at the hospital, I became so focused on how Jenna was doing that I didn’t have time to comprehend how I felt.

Much to my delight, she was THRILLED! She got to learn where she was born, see an isolette, and meet the amazing staff–many of whom remembered her. They were so happy to see her, and likewise, we were so happy to see them.

*The hospital staff gave her flowers and a teddy bear!*

Instead of feeling fear or anxiety in those moments, I had overwhelming tears of gratitude. Whether the doctors took the time to reread our files or remembered us, I was so thankful. They recalled so much about Jenna and even remembered the little girl in the isolette right next to her who now, coincidentally, goes to the same school as Jenna and lives five blocks away.

To my surprise, they also knew about FLRRiSH! I had never mentioned it to any of them, yet they thanked me for what I’m doing to support preemie families. They acknowledged how far I’ve come–from someone who was scared to a now confident person helping others.

I cannot overstate how pivotal of a role these people played in Jenna’s growth and development. I am so immensely grateful because I know how differently our story could have turned out.

After some tearful goodbyes and thank yous, I left the hospital feeling so proud of Jenna and of myself, too.

My Takeaways From Our Visit

I always say that while the NICU can be a scary place, it’s also a special place filled with love and caring. This visit was a reminder of that truth.

While I wasn’t sure what to expect, I was pleasantly surprised and overwhelmed with gratitude about our lives since those days and moments five years ago!

This experience completely reinvigorated me about the work I do serving preemie moms and dads. I cannot thank the doctors, nurses, and staff at our hospital and NICU enough. I will remember this day forever.

For coaching, resources, and concierge care, check out FLRRiSH’s services or book a free 30-minute consultation. To learn more about our experience at Jenna’s NICU, watch this video.