Five Practical Ways to Ditch the Mom Guilt

If there’s anything that virtually all mothers have in common, it’s mom guilt.

Mom guilt transcends geographical location and cultural barriers. No matter who you are, whether or not your child was in the NICU, or whether you’ve had kids before, mom guilt is there–hiding just around the corner, waiting to steal your joy. 

As a NICU parent, I fell into the belief that I was alone in my shame. I was constantly comparing myself to other parents who had seemingly perfect pregnancies and wondering what I had done to cause the preterm birth of my daughter.

Did I eat the wrong foods? Were my clothes too tight? Did I exercise too much?

Of course, none of these things were true. Two-thirds of preterm births have no known cause, and there were a number of genetic and environmental factors outside of my control.

It was until much later in my journey that I started to find ways to counteract the negative voice in my head. With support from my family, the knowledge I gained, and a lot of trial and error, I found a few tactics that helped me reframe my mom guilt into something much more positive and productive.

Whether you’re a NICU parent who feels like your body betrayed you, or a mother of a full-term child trying to figure it all out, keep reading to learn some of my most practical tips for managing the mom guilt.

1. Remind Yourself You’re Doing the Best You Can

Wherever you are right now, I want you to stop, take a deep breath, and repeat after me:

“I am doing the best I can, and that is more than enough.”

The fact that you care so deeply about whether you’re doing enough, whether or not you’re a good mother, and whether your child is being cared for in the best possible way, is proof that you’re a great mom.

There’s no instruction manual that comes with having a child. Being a new parent is baptism by fire. All you have is the knowledge, life experience, and instincts you’ve developed up to this point, so lean on those.

Trust yourself, because you know yourself and your baby better than anyone. You are emotionally and biologically wired to be the perfect parent for your child. So cut yourself some slack and remember that when you’re kind to yourself the rest will fall into place.

2. Break Down Milestones Into More Manageable Steps

Breaking down milestones was the number one thing that helped me stay sane in the NICU. I soon learned after my daughter’s birth that preemie babies’ growth trajectories are often unorthodox and haphazard. But with enough time, support, and love, they’ll eventually be where they need to be.

I found it easier to focus on each step that led to a completed task rather than the whole task itself. That took away some of the stress. Instead of expecting my daughter to hit a big milestone like responding to sounds, smiling, or rolling over by a certain time, I let her develop at her own pace. I’d always remind myself we were on her time timetable and no one else’s. Even when it seemed like she was taking two steps forward and one step back, we still celebrated because it was progress.

3. Connect With Other Moms Who Have Been Through It

There is nothing more powerful than shared experience. When you find a community of other moms who have been through it, you’ll learn one of the most important truths: you aren’t alone.

Every once in a while, I still see women who are ready to pop and think to myself, “I never got a chance to look that way.” Baby showers, gender reveals, and even pregnant strangers on the street are a reminder that my birth didn’t go as planned. It’s an incredibly isolating feeling, and if it weren’t for the other NICU parents I’ve met along my journey, I’m not sure where I’d be today.

One of the most practical ways to ditch the mom guilt is to normalize it. Connection, community, and shared experience remind us that we’re all in this together.

4. Journal

Whenever I have the opportunity to work with a NICU parent, I always recommend they bring a journal to the hospital. As parents, we have a rollercoaster of emotions to work through.

We feel happy that our baby is here, but overwhelmed and scared about what might happen to them. We’re full of joy and love when we get to hold our little peanut in our arms, but feel shame about why our body didn’t allow us to carry them full-term.

Whatever you and your baby went through is not your fault. Nothing you did, or didn’t do caused their preterm birth. Similar to me, you were likely a victim of factors outside of your control.

That being said, experiencing this range of emotions can be exhausting. We can be happy, sad, angry, full of grief, and scared within a span of weeks, days, or even minutes. We’re processing so much, so the more we can get out of our heads and onto paper, the more we can free up space in our minds for what truly matters to us.

5. Celebrate Every, Everything

Whether it’s going from a CPAP to a regular nasal cannula, or going from a micro preemie diaper to a preemie diaper, every milestone is a victory worth shouting from the rooftops.

It is so easy to feel weighed down by all the progress your baby isn’t making. But when we give all of the incremental improvements the attention they deserve, it’s easy to see just how remarkable our child’s progress actually is.

Yes, there are traditional milestones that every child has to go through, but every baby–preemie or not–is on their own journey. We need to have grace for the milestones that aren’t hit “in time” and relish in every small win. When we do this, it’s impossible to feel mom guilt because we’ll be too busy celebrating our little one.

A Final Note on Mom Guilt

If you’re not yet convinced that you’re a worthy mom, allow me to give you one final reminder.

Being a mom is hard. You only have 24 hours in a day, and there are a million things competing for your attention. If you have a newborn, odds are you’re sleep-deprived, hormonal, and emotionally vulnerable. 

This is one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life, but it will also be one of the most beautiful and rewarding. I know how difficult it is to fight off the voices in your head telling you you’re not enough, but I’m here to tell you that you are. 

From one mom to another: I believe in you. You got this. 

For more information about FLRRiSH click here. To explore some of our NICU resources or to book a call with me, check out our services page.